The Fabulounge

Given my obsession with 'helluloid,' my term for truly awful cinema, I am well aware of the need for bad movies. It is, after all, the bad movies that make the good movies good. Unfortunately, in between the deliriously spectacular failures and the sublime successes, there are the just plain dull. For reasons I cannot begin to unravel, these masterpieces of bland, 'dulluloid' if you prefer, all have their premiere at 30,000 feet.

Who in their right mind approved funding for a movie starring Renee Zellwegger and Harry Connick, Jr.? Two stars who are well past their use-by date; if they were once milk, they're on the way to becoming very expensive cheese. Also, does anybody really believe that wrestler John Cena has anywhere near enough charm and charisma to be the next Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson? These are the questions that I am pondering as I fly home from Cairns. Are the people who choose the movies for Qantas, members of the most heinous video library in existence? Or just one that doesn't have a "get it first or get it free" policy? In the Qantas magazine, the movies aren't really advertised as being 'new release' but some flights have an 'advance screening' of some turgid drama starring Joaquin Phoenix & Gwyneth Paltrow which I saw on David & Margaret this week.

12 Rounds, the movie starring a wrestler and that girl from that movie where that other wrestler polices a town with a piece of wood (isn't she having a stellar career), was financed by the wrestling company and directed by the guy behind such cinematic splendour as "freddy krueger 4" and "die hard 2." (Renny Harlin, once married to Geena Davis and responsible for her dreadful action films The Long Kiss Goodnight and Cutthroat Island, as well as the Stallone Cliffhanger nonsense).

I couldn't really stomach much of squinty-bint Renee romancing Harry. The fact that two of my favourite character actors, the always delightful J.K. Simmons (OZ, Juno, Burn After Reading, Spider-man) and adorable Frances Conroy (the mum from Six Feet Under), numbered among the cast couldn't sway me. Not even the fact that Harry was sporting a beard that made him look like Jack from Lost, which pushed a couple of my more base buttons, made me care. From afar, while I listened to The Veronicas' sublime pop album Hook Me Up, I could tell that the budget of the whole film, which looked suspiciously Canadian, was less than that of the budget allocated to Zellwegger's immaculate blonde bob, the ends of which were so straight they may have been trimmed using a protractor and stencil.

Talking about these dreadful films to Corinne, who has so many frequent flyer miles she may qualify for free space travel, she suggested there may be a scale for ignominius movie debuts - straight to dvd, straight to cable, and at the bottom of the rung, straight to Qantas.

Given that competing airline Virgin Blue have a raft of Foxtel channels to choose from for about $5 and Qantas' own budget service, Jetstar, will rent you a video thingy with a choice of movies, for about twice that - why does the so-called 'premium' airline insist on showing such unmitigated drivel? We live in a media-savvy age where movie hype is unrelenting, months ahead of release - if you haven't heard of the in-flight movie you're about to be subjected to, chances are it's because it opened and closed in the USA in the same 24 hour period some months earlier.

If Qantas can't get hold of a decent new release, why not admit defeat and plunder the back catalogue. Given the choice of an uninspiring and unwatchable new-release, and a classic, wouldn't you prefer the latter? Imagine if they polled the plane, asking the chicken-or-beef question; something you've never heard of with Renee Zellwegger and Harry Connick, Jr. or Pretty Woman? Some action nonsense with a wrestler you aren't familiar with or The Departed? Some films you can see seventeen times, and some you shouldn't have to put up with ever.

check out mamma chatting with bill nighy and nick frost (unsavoury flirting with frosty has been excised by sensible editors...)

the film is fascinating, about a unique event in the uk, where popular music was only played on stations moored in the north sea. at over 2 hours, the film more than outstays its welcome - a comedy film, romantic or otherwise, really has to be blisteringly funny to make it worth getting that post-90minute numbarse. knocked up with seth rogen and katherine heigl, well worth the extended time, but the boat that rocked has far too many montages of people listening to the radio to justify the running time.

that said, performances are awesome across the board, from an eclectic cast including the aforementioned nighy and frost, academy award winner phillip seymour hoffman, welsh loony rhys ifans (yes, the one that was boffing sienna miller), delightful flight of the conchords star kiwi rhys darby, nasty kenneth branagh, cameoriffic emma thompson (her best cameo since curing cancer in i am legend) and a bunch more (jack davenport, gemma arterton, tom sturridge).

like all richard curtis films, the women get pretty short shrift. they are mysterious, capricious, unknowable and sex-mad (but never for the right men). one of the two plot threads about women who seem interested in the nice sweet guy, before running off to have sex with a cad, could have been dropped, because they make writer/director curtis look like a very bitter individual indeed.

the music, a blend of late sixties rock, soul and r'n'b, is awesome, but bleeds into overkill during the umpteenth montage of boat-based broohaha.

it's an enjoyable movie, for the most part, and it's a relief to see a movie set on a ship that doesn't involve celine dion.

3 portholes out of 5

naughty behaviour on-air this morning by Adam
Posted Fri, 27 Mar 2009 09:01:07 EST

okay, things went a bit pear-shaped at 8:30am on fox fm this morning. i call it "wheels fall off friday." troy ellis is reading out the free fuel friday details, while i am doing a naughty mime for michala banas. matt tilley calls attention to the shenanigans...